Uncomfortably Numb

This is going to be a tough one for me to get through and I will apologize in advance for my ramblings but I NEED to get this out.

What I need to get out, I have no idea but I have had a  tough day and that is what you’re here for, right? To read the thoughts and feelings and ramblings and stories from another persons experiences?

~ Sighs deeply ~

I feel utterly confused. I feel gut wrenching emptiness. I feel….A LOT.

It started out as a normal happy day. I surprisingly woke up at 05:15….BEFORE my alarm clock buzzed me out of bed! It helped that Jason woke up a tad bit earlier and kind of woke me up with the piddling around the room in the dark. I didn’t go for the two mile run BUT..my goal for this week (again) is just to start training myself to get out of bed an hour or so earlier than normal.

We had coffee, watched the weather channel (yea..we do that..mmmhmm) and talked about what our plans for the day were to entail.

He took off for a couple of jobs and I felt so happy to be able to work from home today and I got to it!

Around one in the afternoon, I decided to check in on a friend/co-worker. You see, she was diagnosed with leukemia in 2011. She went through rounds of chemotherapy, after chemo, her sister was (luckily) a match for her bone marrow transplant! She got through all the shenanigans of that ordeal and came back to work in August of 2012…life was going pretty good for her. Sure she was tired alot and wasn’t back to her old self quite yet, but really?? Who would be after going through everything she did to battle leukemia?

I think it was around August this year she started complaining of headaches and finally went in for her check up. She had relapsed. I didnt see her again. She went into hospital for more chemo treatments and the plan was to give stem cell transplant a shot. They started the process on September the 24th. September the 23rd was her last day off freedom….until today.

LITERALLY, thirty seconds after I checked the website her mom set up and kept us updated on, I received a text from my boss letting me know that Kirsten has passed away.

I breathed in an extremely deep breath, my head dropped back into the recliner I had been sitting on all day working and there was silence.

I don’t know how long I was silent with my head back and eyes closed  but Jason was here (THANKFULLY) and I could feel him looking at me, waiting for me to say something..anything..he knew from my reaction to the text I had just read that something was terribly wrong and I was beyond upset. I thank him right now for knowing what to do – whether he knew what he was doing or not – his silence was EXACTLY what I needed. And then my head shot up, I was unable to breath and the tears just poured out of my soul.

It breaks my heart that a woman in her early thirties can be diagnosed with a horrible disease such as leukemia, never experience life (she was not married, did not have children, had not yet had the opportunity to travel as much as she would have liked) go through the painful process of trying to recover using chemotherapy, bone marrow transplants, stem cell transplants, etc… only for the outcome to be a loss of life.

I do not understand how this can happen. We live in an age where we, as a country, “pride” ourselves in such wonderful and miraculous medical advances…why are so many many people dying?



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Living one day at a time and making the best of it!

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